Baby Loss Awareness Week

Warning: some readers may find this article upsetting

This week (9th-15th October) marks the start of Baby Loss Awareness week and culminates with the global 'wave of light' event on 15th October at 7pm. Baby Loss is something that is, for many, so hard and difficult to comprehend that it's not something one wants to even imagine what being in that situation would be like. But it's something I unfortunately know all to well. Back in December 2019, at nearly 2 months old, my son, William, was diagnosed with a life limiting genetic condition. He passed away in my arms a few days later at Rainbows Hospice in Loughborough. I know the feelings of heartache, shock, grief, disbelief, anger, and pure sadness that comes from losing a child.

Unfortunately, many, many women have experienced and will experience loss/losses at different stages of pregnancy and beyond throughout their lives. Loss at any stage is still a loss, whether you get to hold that child in your arms or not. It's not just their absence but the sudden ending of a path that was laid out in front of you that has now been unexpectedly snatched away, leaving an emptiness. Some people choose not to share about their loss or losses whilst others may find talking or even blogging about it helps to make the grief a little more bearable. Either way, the support provided by family and friends is crucial. From experience, I know that often people struggle to know what to say or do to help because ultimately they know there isn't anything they can do to change what happened or to stop the grief. There can also be a fear of getting it wrong and making the bereaved person more upset.

I've reflected on my experience and I wanted to share some things that can be done which show any bereaved parent that you care and are there.

Offering practical help instead of saying 'I'm here if you need me', is a much better alternative. I will forever be grateful to those special people who didn't ask but just brought round home cooked food parcels in the immediate weeks after William's death.

Listening and validating any and all feelings expressed by the bereaved person and try to avoid silver linings, especially those that start with 'at least...', 'it could have been worse... ' or 'it wasn't meant to be'.

Being respectful of boundaries and being aware of common triggers is so important. For example, it is especially hard for someone who has experienced baby loss to hear a pregnancy announcement. I always appreciated any friend who sent me a direct message before posting their announcement on social media or broadcasting it at work, especially when I was trying to conceive after loss. That way I was more prepared.

Trying to stay connected in small meaningful ways such as always using their child's name if they were given one. Remembering events such as their child's birthday, just as you would if they were living, helps a bereaved parent to know their child hasn't been forgotten.

When the cards, flowers and messages of condolence stop, the pain and grief never goes away, it just changes and you learn to cope with it better. But there are places that you can go to if you need support at any point during your grief journey or if you know of someone who needs support:

https://babyloss-awareness.org

Sands is the leading still birth and neonatal death charity.

www.sands.org.uk

Sands freephone helpline: 0808 164 3332