Out and About as a Stay-at-Home Dad

Written by Luke Williams

When my wife was pregnant with Loki, we moved back to her hometown, Ashbourne, to be close to family and help her dad on their organic beef and lamb farm. I had trained as a SEND teacher and worked in various schools in London, but had become disillusioned with teaching and Emma wanted to return to her job in mental health and wellbeing after her maternity leave. We decided to take the financial hit and that I’d remain a stay-at-home dad. I had put so much energy into the care and education of other children over the years, I was excited to now do the same for our own. We didn’t enrol Loki in any nursery until he was two and a half, so for 18 months I had to find fun and engaging ways to fill the week. There was also the added complication that activities had to be accessible by foot, bike or public transport as, until very recently, I hadn’t passed my driving test. That meant that local playgroups became a lifeline.

I tried lots of different playgroups in Ashbourne and the surrounding areas and was quickly struck by one thing: I was often the only Dad in the room. I didn’t necessarily mind; I’d been a teacher in a predominantly female environment for many years, but I did start to mind the inevitable question of, ‘So what do you do then?’ I’d reply that I looked after my son full time. I’d often get quizzical looks, lots of raised eyebrows, and occasionally, a comment like, ‘Oh, alright for some, eh!’ or my absolute favourite, ‘So what do you do when the baby sleeps?’! I began to dread the questions. Let’s just say I didn’t always feel like these were open and inclusive spaces for dads.

The one exception I found is the Wirksworth Stay and Play on a Thursday morning in the Memorial Hall. Lots of other dads attend this playgroup, including some other stay-at-home dads, or some who equally split the responsibility of childcare and paid employment with their partner. I instantly felt more comfortable there and it’s been really nice to make friends with other dads and feel like I have more of a local dad network.

I think parenting in general, and being a primary caregiver in particular, can feel quite isolating for men. There are few opportunities to meet other dads and there’s still a long way to go to equalise the gender imbalance of parenting. Things are slowly changing, but there are a few things I’d love to see more of:

·      I think we need to normalise dads being primary caregivers. Looking after children is hard work – just as hard (if not harder!) than any conventional job, and we need to give parenting across the board the respect it deserves.

·      I’d love to see more dads at play groups and other weekday activities. I think it’s important for the next generation to see dads in primary caregiving roles, so that we’re setting the right examples to level the playing field for parenting in the future.

I feel very grateful and privileged to have been able to spend so much time with my son over the past few years, as I know lots of dads don’t get the same opportunity, even though they’d like to. Local playgroups and activities are so important for children and caregivers alike, and hopefully in the not-too-distant future no one will bat an eyelid when a dad walks into the room with their child!