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Written by Stefanie Parks
Stefanie is a teacher and author who writes magical stories set in Derbyshire. Her first book, The Butterflies of Meadow Hall Manor, is the story of a young girl struggling with grief. To learn more, head to www.sparkswriting.com
WARNING: some readers may find this article upsetting.
Although our individual experiences differ, grief is everyone’s natural response to loss. Children may struggle to express their grief, and initially learn to grieve by copying trusted adults.
Parents and caregivers cannot take away a bereaved child’s pain but they can provide support and reassurance to help them process and express emotions in healthy ways.
Communication:
Talk about what happened, listen to your child’s thoughts and perspectives and answer any questions honestly.
Allow them to express their feelings (in children this can sometimes present as anxiety or anger). Tell them how you are feeling and explain it’s normal to feel all sorts of emotions when someone dies.
Tell them what’s going to happen, particularly if there are changes in routine. For example, if they’re going to attend a funeral, be clear about what they can expect and what is expected of them.
Sometimes children think a death is their fault. Explain that death is part of life and ensure they know they are not to blame.
Avoid using euphemisms like ‘passed away’ or ‘went to sleep’ as this can cause uncertainty and fear.
If someone close to them has died such as a grandparent or sibling, it’s normal for them to worry about other people dying. Remind them of all the people around to help look after them and reassure them that these people will probably live for a long time.
If you have religious beliefs about an afterlife, this is a good time to share these. If not, you can talk about how people can be remembered in our memories.
Look at photos of the person and share stories and memories of them.
Additional support:
Stick with your regular household routine as much as possible. This helps children feel safe.
Do something practical to remember the person e.g. create a memory box or photo album, go for a remembrance walk or plant a tree.
Read stories with themes of loss and discuss the plot together e.g. How is this character feeling? Are their actions healthy? What could they do?
Let your child’s school know so they can also support them.
Ages and stages:
Each child’s grieving process is unique but their understanding and expression will vary depending on their age.
● Children under 5 will pick up on emotional shifts taking place in the household. Babies can sense that something has changed or is missing. Younger children may present as more demanding and need more input and reassurance than usual.
● Children over 5 begin to understand that death is permanent. They can also feel anger, fear or even guilt so it’s important to talk to them about death honestly using clear, simple language.
● Teens may need more encouragement to open up and talk to you about their feelings. Bereaved teenagers can become isolated. Other trusted adults or a peer who has experienced something similar can provide good support at these times.
Books to support:
5 - 8 | 8 - 12 | 12+ |
Badger’s Parting Gifts Susan Varley The Invisible String Patrice Karst I can’t Believe They’re Gone Karen Brough The Memory Tree Britta Teckentrup | Sad Book Michael Rosen The Shark Caller Zillah Bethell The Thing About Jellyfish Ali Benjamin Poppy Field Michael Morpurgo | Letters from the Grief Club Beth French and Kate Moreton A Monster Calls Patrick Ness Sometimes Life Sucks Molly Carlile You Will Be OK Julia Stokes |
For further support and resources around grief please visit Child Bereavement UK Child Bereavement UK 0800 02 888 40
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